The Regrets of my Choices
by katerinaaqu
Summary: Levi along with the few soldiers that survived, returns to the Wall after the battle with the Female Titan. Even if he appears being calm though...he's ready to break himself after the countless losses and deaths he experienced, especially Petra's death... Levi's POV. Forgive me the simplicity and please review...


I was walking, but that was all I could feel. It was like the entire world had fallen silent for me, like nothing from the outside was reaching me, as if I had turned a hollow vessel and sound would simply pass though me like air. Unfortunately though, I wasn't completely deaf…I could still feel it…hear it…

Voices…

There were voices rushing through my hollow chest, voices that had been heard sometime through my long life onto this world; my world that now had crumbled into thousands of pieces before my feet, like the pieces of a shattered mirror but even the most tiny piece of glass can be sharp and can hurt you…

This is how I, Levi Ackerman, the one they called best soldier of humanity, the Corporal they all followed blindly, they were feeling assured with, was feeling at the moment, if this can be thought as a tiny brief of feeling within me. I had seen countless people dying and I had sentenced many of them to death with my commands. I had seen so much brute in all my 30 years of life…I had seen so much that I thought nothing could touch me anymore, that my heart had turned into stone now and that I would be freed by anything that had to do with feelings of regret, repulse or sadness.

However here I am, walking down the streets, inside the so-called safety of the walls with the angry crowds screaming around me, cursing at us for sending so many people to needless death and my heart is beating painfully within my chest. This pain is the only thing that reminds me of its existence because I would have thought it was ripped out of my flesh long now, before stepping inside the walls. I thought I had stopped to feel but now I realize the truth; my soul was gathering drop by drop the sadness and the repulse and now they were threatening to become a river, a torrential that would explode… I knew now that I simply had enough…

Finally we had left the central streets. The voices of the crowds were more distant now and people around us were less than before. I just needed some time alone, but I knew I couldn't let my men see any weakness in me. Behind me there were carriages with wounded men, broken men and men already in tears. And here I was, holding my face expressionless for them, to stop THEIR pain.

We were close to the headquarters. I couldn't take it anymore…

I was surrounded by silence…

* * *

I stepped into the headquarters completely ignoring the voices around me. I only walked into my room and closed the door behind. I threw my green cape off somewhere, not caring where it landed for the very first time in my life. I sat down the floor, slowly slipping down the door. I looked around as if I couldn't recognize where I was. I knew this was my bed…I knew on the corner was a small wardrobe… It was a simple room, perfectly fitted for a soldier indeed. However even this plain room was a roof above my head…secure stonewalls around me…

While my squad was somewhere out there…their bodies mangled by Titans or being food for wild dogs and birds. Worms would feast with the remains of them and flies would constantly buzz over them…while I was here, safe and sound, survivor to tell the tale… Their faces wouldn't leave me alone…their souls were stuck on me like the smell of blood I have been gathering for more than twenty years… Their images lying dead everywhere were coming before my eyes.

 _"Corporal…if I become a burden in any way…please do not hesitate to leave me behind…"_

That was what she had told me! Those were her exact words once upon a time when she was still a recruit within my new squad!

 _"…if you want to survive, then you'll do your best to achieve it. You fight because you do not want to die. You do not want to die in order to come back. You want to come back… Sometimes it is as simple as that."_

Those were my words to her! She had ask me how I can be sure of our safe return, during her first operation outside the walls so long ago. Those were my words to her! Petra… I tried to bring you back safe…I really did try…I failed. I at least wanted to burry you properly, to give you a proper grave but I had to order to throw away our dead people for our own survival. I failed to that too. At least I tried bring back a small piece of you to remember you, a piece of your jacket like the pathetic weakling I am, but still I even failed to that. I have it to another person that needed comfort even more. I lied saying it was someone else's coat… He believed me… How delighted he looked!

 _"My daughter was in your squad…"_

Stop!

"… _I'm Petra's father…"_

Not you!

"… _Before she sees me I wanted to talk to you…"_

She won't! She'll never come back!

 _"…She sent me this letter…She mentioned that you respected her abilities enough to let her join your squad"_

Leave me alone!

 _"She was going to devote herself to you…"_

Spare me!

 _"Well, I guess she's too starry-eyed to consider how her father feels!"_

I am holding my head with my hands; hopefully I'll crush my scull with my fingers. No! Don't say it! Just don't! It is not like that!

"… _Well, as her father…"_

Don't say it!

"… _I think it's too early for her to marry"_

Don't!

"… _She's still so young, with so much to experience…"_

She won't! Why won't you understand! She won't anymore! She's dead, dammit! She's DEAD! She won't come back! Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!

"… _If you look back now you'll regret it…"_

It was now Erwin's voice that came to torment me. Why wouldn't they leave me alone! I thought I had let go of every regret and here I am now…the "great" Levi Ackerman slowly sinking in despair now that he is safe from the eyes of people…

I suddenly feel a strong urge inside me. I want to slay! I want to destroy! I want to break everything! I haven't felt such thing for so long…I thought I had forgotten the feeling. Cutting pieces of meat from the blasted Female Titan wasn't enough to satisfy me. I just wanted to go outside the walls again, even alone if I had to, and find her! Make her pay for everything! I wanted to cut her to shreds till her human form would be released to me and then cut her flesh, rip her skin open, then the muscles, bones next and finally tear apart each and every one of her internal organs! Taste both her Titan and human blood straight from my blade! Hear her screams and shrieks. Yes! That would do the trick!

It was mania I was feeling! Bloodlust! Rage! My blood boiling!

I released a scream I didn't know I had inside me, it was so long ago since the last time I produced such a sound… It was at those times when…when Isabelle and Farland had been dead before my eyes! I didn't know I would remember this now.

I shot up to my fit and threw away the riding table. The heavy, wooden piece of furniture was light as a feather now in my rage and got thrown to the other side of the room. I continue to scream as after it came breaking the bed with a kick and cutting into shreds the mattress and the pillow and feathers were flying around the room like snowflakes (perfectly reflecting the coldness I was feeling).

Next was the wardrobe to be attacked by my fists, kicks and blades and next the clothes in it. I was screaming like a madman. It was my first Titan kill all over again as I was shredding the flying feathers in midair now… My blades were moving faster and faster and even my own eye couldn't follow them. Not even when they broke I stopped. I re-armed new blades and continued, continued till I was out of breath…

I only stopped when I couldn't scream anymore and collapsed back to my first spot onto the floor, looking at the mess I had made…the ruins of my life… I covered my face with my palms and leaned my head inside them. I remained still and only my shoulders were shaking slightly. My eyes were burning.

But no tears came out…

* * *

I raised my head only when I heard steps. It was dark. How many hours was I there? I didn't know. All I knew was that Hanji Zoe was standing there before me, looking at me almost pitifully. However I knew the truth. She could tell my emotions because she felt the same.

"Corporal…" she said softly

I was only looking back at her. The weirdo, the crazy-about-Titans scientist was the last standing of my ruined squad. The last one I had trusted with my life so many years now…the only one that probably had noticed my emotions for Petra Ral.

She was standing there now, having my ruined room as a background and the silver moonlight showing me her features. She was standing there, looking taller than ever and I was sitting on the floor, not having the strength or the will to stand up.

She looked at me and smiled a sad smile… I knew she knew. She even knew whose piece of coat was the one I gave to our comrade.

"…I think you'll need another room…"

A sad smile crept to my lips, macabre and regretful. I looked down.

"Yeah…" I whispered.

I'm sorry, Erwin…I guess I did the gravest mistake… I looked back and I only saw one thing and one thing only…

Regrets…

* * *

I **t is really late at night here and I am listening to this one _(Shingeki No Kyojin - Levi OVA2 OST- The Pain Of Levi [Piano Song])_**

 **I just had to make this one. It is a small look inside Levi's head after returning from the fight with the Female Titan.**  
 **Blame the No Regrets OVA for this.**  
 **I know it is too small and too...simple but please bear with it.**

 **When I quote**  
 _"…if you want to survive, then you'll do your best to achieve it. You fight because you do not want to die. You do not want to die in order to come back. You want to come back… Sometimes it is as simple as that."_  
 **It is straight from the roleplay I am doing with bluerosefantasy on Deviantart (And YES the roleplay started again when it was on hitatus). I have Levi there and I made him say this to Petra when she asked him how he was so sure she would come back.**

 **Sorry for the simplicity. Just a moment's inspiration within the night.**


End file.
